Three Little Girls

     I love my three little girls!  They are such a joy and we have so much fun together.  I have been blessed to have caring friends and family who have been willing to watch my girls over the past five years so they haven’t had to be in daycare.  And now Jeremy has a job that allows me to be home more often with my girls. 

     It has been quite the adjustment with me staying home and Jeremy working fulltime.  Cora has also started Kindergarten this year bringing even more change.  Cora has loved school!  She has always loved to learn and is already reading with the first graders.  I don’t take much credit for teaching her.  She learned much of what she knows on the computer and from books.  She is bright, enthusiastic, and always ready to learn new things.  Today she wanted to stay home for the first time but was a trooper and got ready to go.  Brooke cried as we left.  She doesn’t like to see her best friend leave.

     Brooke has had to learn to play with a little sister who doesn’t tell her what to do all the time.  She has jumped right into the role of big sister and play coordinator.  When friends come over she now dictates much of the play.  She has such a silly personality and tends to take on the part of the prince or bad guy.  She has the face to go with it too.  Her bad guy faces are phenomenal though she can’t keep them for long when I start laughing at her.  She is a silly goose!  It has been amazing to watch her play with Ally and see how well they get along.

     Ally, what is there to say about that one?  She is my toughest baby yet.  Just this week she has started hitting and pushing Brooke when she doesn’t get her way.  I never had to deal with that with her two older sisters.  She is also determined to wear big kid panties though not so determined to do her business in the potty.  I have had to start putting her in onesies in order to keep her clothed throughout the day.  Where Brooke has just recently learned to get her shirts off, Ally is a pro.  Given the chance, she will be naked before I even know what’s going on.  My little angel keeps me on my toes more than the other two ever did, combined. 

     It has always been hard for me to write about my girls.  I guess I don’t feel I can do them justice.  And yet, after writing these few things about them I feel happy, and the smiles they bring to my face all day are brought back now while they sleep.  They truly are priceless children of God.

Today!

     Today is a happy day!!  I wanted to get a lot of canning done but instead, I have done no canning and only a little cleaning.  It has been nice to just relax and not worry about what needed to be done.  We even made a quick trip to Westwood discount, our local bargain store, and were able to pick up some nice items including a Saint Louis Blues toaster.  It actually toasts their team symbol on the bread!  Jeremy had to have it, and as soon as we were home it was plugged in and toasting up a mean piece of bread!

     After dinner the girls followed me outside to throw some trash away so we just stayed out.  Usually I have to ask Jeremy to come outside with us but tonight he surprised me by showing up only a few minutes after we went out.  Even though we just watched the girls and played games on my tablet, it was sure nice to have his company.  Maybe that is why the day was so good, Jeremy spent most of it close to the girls and I.

     He even surprised me by coming to Coras Primary program practice this morning.  I was just going to bring her and drop her off but he wanted to come, and the whole family made a morning of it.  During the practice he took Ally over to ACE hardware to look around.  He came back with a box of clay pigeons.  Looks like we will be planning a fun day together next saturday up in the hills!!

A Different Kind of Grief

     Before I had my miscarriage I imagined that to loose a pregnancy would mean extreme grief.  I equated the grief close to what it would be if I lost a child I knew and loved.  I have been surprised and a little worried that I have not felt that kind of grief.  In talking with a friend’s mother today she put it into words in a way I haven’t been able to.  The grief for me comes from a loss of expectations.

     Pregnancy apps are such a fun thing to have.  They tell you each week how big your child is and what organs have developed.  At fourteen weeks I was expecting a little person the size of a lemon, something to hold and say goodbye to.  I didn’t get that.  The embryo had stopped growing early on, so I didn’t get what I expected.  I felt cheated.   The three months I spent feeling sick and tired turned into a waste of time.  My valentine’s baby wasn’t coming as I had planned.

     Jeremy always gets on me for trying to plan our lives five years from now and even longer.  I just like to know where I am going.  All of our children have been planned and came when expected.  And so, if you can imagine, I have planned for this child for at least the past two years, and expected a baby in the spring.   Now, unexpectedly I have to revamp my plans of keeping my kids two years apart in school, and going back to work when they are all in school.  It may still work out but if not I am behind a year in going back to work.  That means one more year of pinching pennies to get by. 

     Such big plans to rearrange and stress over.  It’s a good thing I am a fairly easy going person and I tend to go with the flow of trials thrown in my life.  I struggle with them, but don’t let them take over.  I ponder and I pray and manage to move on.  I have worried about not grieving for the loss of this potential child for the right reasons, but who am I to judge, even if I am judging myself.  Everyone’s experience will be different.  None of us experiencing miscarriage will grieve for all the same reasons.  For me, seeing it as a loss of expectations is helping me to understand that it’s ok if life moves on, taking me along for the ride.

Edutivities

     A few days ago I read an article about how much your 3-4 year old should know.  It spoke of a group of women discussing the academic achievements of their little children, each getting more grandiose with their child’s skills.  The mother who originally started the discussion became discouraged as she contemplated all the things her little child didn't know.  She later rebutted with the article I read stating what she thought her child should know. 

     I couldn’t find the article to quote her, but what I caught as the main points was to not worry so much about the academics but to make sure the child felt loved, free to be him/her self, and was read to frequently.  I agree whole-heartedly with most of what she said however, as an educator I also know the importance of preparing your child for the academics of school. 

     I went through five years of college education and have taught for the past seven so academic teaching is always on my mind.  It is second nature for me to come up with little academic tasks to do with my children.  I am afraid when we think of those moms who have little brain preschoolers, we see a mom sitting at a table drilling skills into the child’s mind.  I see a mom walking in the street talking about words and numbers on the street signs.  A mom saying what color is that car passing by or, how many steps does it take to get from here to there.  Those are simple little tasks that if done consistently incorporate educational skills while also showing your child love and acceptance.  By making learning a game you can accommodate all the academic, physical, and emotional needs a child has.

     As I know thinking of these little activities can be difficult for someone without a background in education I will be including a new tab on my page with activities or edutivities you can do with your child.  As you learn to use these tips you can become a master at incorporating educational activities into the everyday tasks you perform with your child.  You will be amazed at how easy it really is to teach your child as well as love and play with them.

     I also welcome any ideas you may be using in your home.  Together we can compile a great list that will be beneficial to all.  You can give a child all the love and attention they deserve while also preparing them for a wonderful future.  Besides, what better teacher can a child have than a loving parent.

Release

     As a youth I loved to draw.  I even dabbled with watercolors a little, but I was never very good.  My senior year in high school I took an Art humanities course which I enjoyed immensely.  Drawing was a release for the challenges of the day and I found great solace in loosing myself in the task of creation.  In college I worked on a secondary teaching degree with a major in math and I was deciding between a minor in Art or Spanish.  Before leaving on my mission and changing to an elementary teaching degree I took a class in drawing and a class in ceramics to help me decide.  Once again, I felt the solace and relief that allowed me to free up much of the stress in my life.  And then, life caught me and took me on some incredible journeys that didn't allow much time for art.

     I served an LDS mission in, Rio de Janeiro Brasil.  It was an experience of a life time.  With the closeness of the spirit, stress seemed to dissipate.  When I returned, I continued my education only I changed from secondary education to elementary, eliminating my need for Art classes.  In my push to get done with school I didn't take time, even for extra classes in Art.  Two years after returning from Brasil I married Jeremy and graduated college.  Then work and family life took over.  Occasionally I would pull out some paper and pencil but I didn't put much time into my projects.  When my girls came along time for drawing seemed an impossible idea.  I did work on some crafts and sewing projects but the feeling of freedom just was not the same.  Probably since the projects I was doing served a purpose to better my home and family.  It wasn't something I did just for me. 

     A few weeks ago while signing my daughters up for dance, at the recently opened Leavitt Center in Pocatello; I noticed they were offering an Art class for teens and adults.  I hadn't drawn in years and the prospect thrilled me.  Sure I could just get out some pencils and go buy some nice paper and draw at home, but with three busy daughters and a hard working husband needing, time for just me, doesn't happen.   If I had an obligation to go to a class I payed for, I couldn't escape it.  There would be no girls or husband to demand my attention.  I jumped on the chance.

     This Tuesday, the day I started this blog, I went to my first class.  My day had been super busy as I ran all over getting tools, parts and training to fix some leaky water lines in my home.  I was ten minutes late as I barely finished the water lines so I could take the shower I desperately needed.  Even though we did a basic drawing exercise I had done in every other class I had taken, I couldn't believe how freeing it was.  I don't claim to be a good artist, but I sure love that medium of expression.  It wasn't necessary for me to think about anything, other than where to put a line to form the figure in my view on paper.  When the class was done I couldn't believe how alive I felt!  It was like taking a deep breath of air that continued to fill my lungs for the remainder of the evening. 

     And so this blog began.  Feeling so alive, I had to find a way to release some of that vigor in a creative way, a way that would only involve me, my thoughts, and a form of expression.  I didn't have any drawing paper so writing became my outlet for the night.  I was excited to feel the same sense of release and freedom in writing as I had felt earlier in my art.  In nine years I haven't felt this kind of freedom to create.  That doesn't mean I haven't been happy, it has just been a different kind of happy.  The joy I have felt over the past nine years has mostly been joy in serving my family and others around me.

     Taking time to serve myself has been an eye opening experience.  It is one I look forward to experiencing more often, as I explore the possibilities these two creative mediums will put forth along the path I follow in life.

Why I don't Tell

The first months of pregnancy

     Many years ago before I was married one of my cousins announced she was pregnant. I don't remember how far along she was but I do remember something that has effected decisions I make to this day. Not a week later while talking with her mother I was told she had experienced a miscarriage. It struck me that moment, as it still does today, how hard it must be to go back and tell people you have had a miscarriage. I could only imagine how she must have relived the pain each time she let someone know she was no longer expecting.  I decided then, that while I may not be able to stop a miscarriage, I could control whether or not I had to let others know about it.

     A few years later I was married to my wonderful husband Jeremy. We waited a little over a year before deciding it was time to start adding members to our little family. Few people outside or our family knew we were expecting until my belly was too large to hide any longer.  I felt it made the whole process speed by as we weren’t constantly facing questions of how the pregnancy was going, or if I was feeling good or not.  When those questions did come I thought about my condition a lot more, which made the whole process slow down a little.  Even still, nothing could get in our way as we felt so happy becoming parents for the first time.

     Five years and three beautiful daughters later we have been blessed with healthy, uneventful pregnancies.   In that time I have seen other dear friends of mine suffer with miscarriage.  It has only reaffirmed my resolve not to announce my pregnancies to early.  I am not saying it is right or wrong for others, when that excitement is overflowing, to tell everyone as soon as they find out they are expecting.  Maybe I am just a chicken but I would rather avoid the small chance they would all, have to share in my sorrow.  I have felt lucky not facing this trial, and at the same time nervous, as I have prepared for what I felt would be my final journey through pregnancy.

     When we first started talking about having kids I told Jeremy I wanted 20. Wanting to compensate for my outlandish number he quickly responded with 0. That wasn't going to work for me so I gave in and said 10. It must have been Jeremy's effective bargaining skills that got us down to 4, because somehow that is way closer to his original number than mine. And yet that is where we have stuck for our seven years of blissful marriage.

     In May we began what would probably be our final journey through pregnancy. We were excited, and hopeful to be adding a little boy into the ranks of feminine emotion. As with the past three pregnancies we didn't tell many people.  My sister found out as she visited with me for several days and became annoyed with my naps every afternoon. Parents were told as the excitement grew. A few friends were included in this party and finally at 14 weeks along, as Jeremy was called to remain in our wards changing bishopric, I decided it would be fun to announce to the rest of my family how I would be spending sacrament meetings and Sunday mornings by myself with soon to be four children. He likewise had told all of his family within the same week.

     In retrospect I suppose we should have been more cautious when my doctor couldn't get a heartbeat at my 13 week appointment. I remember seeing the wheels turning in his head as he contemplated sending me over for an ultra-sound or just waiting to see if the baby was hiding really low in my pelvis. Me, being the optimist, sided with the latter so I scheduled to come back in two and a half weeks to check for the heartbeat again. After three uncomplicated pregnancies I was a pro and had nothing to worry about.

     The week before I was headed back in to hear my baby’s heartbeat, I had experienced light spotting all week. I was concerned but after reading positive posts on the internet about spotting coming out alright I decided to just talk to my doctor at my appointment. Thursday night at the end of my 15th week of pregnancy I started cramping. After two hours of that I called the on-call doctor and was told to wait it out until morning and see what happened. I tried to go to sleep but around midnight began to feel what became clear to me was contractions. A little over an hour later the pain finally went away and I thought I might get to sleep.   I was nervous and worried but thankful I might get a little rest.  Then everything I had ever feared became reality as I faced one of the most gut wrenching experiences of my live.

     Within half an hour we were sitting in the Emergency room waiting.  I don't know how, but I still had an inkling of hope that everything would be alright. For the next three hours until our worst fears were officially confirmed I held onto that shred of hope. I think somehow it helped me get through.  Before our nurse finished her shift, she wished us the best in telling our little girls at home.  They weren’t what worried me.  I didn’t know how to tell my friends and family.      

     We were home by five and had two hours of sleep before getting up with Cora to ship her off to her second day of school. Thanks to a wonderful sister in town and a willing husband, I spent the next two days in bed.  During that time I wondered what I would say to those who knew we were pregnant. I couldn't come up with a solution. It probably wasn't until Sunday that I asked Jeremy if he had told his family. He just sent a text out Friday morning and it was done. Maybe I should have done that, but somehow it just didn't seem to be the way for me. I was afraid of appearing insensitive. I also wasn't looking forward to the inevitable phone calls and responding notes of remorse. Of course when it really comes down to it, when I did receive the calls, they helped more than I imagined they would.

    In the end I am so glad I hadn’t officially announced our pregnancy beyond a small circle of family and friends.  Even amongst those people I was surprised by a few whom I had forgotten I told.  I suppose it was easier than I imagined it would be, but that may be due to the small number of people who knew.  Even now, three weeks later I still haven’t found a good time or way to share this news with one of my dear friends.  The fact that she doesn’t always ask me how the pregnancy is going is probably one of the reasons I like her so much.  So in conversation about happy things do I pop out, “Oh by the way, I had a miscarriage”?  Now she’ll know. 

     I never intended to share this experience with so many people, but in the past weeks I have felt a need to share this small portion of my thoughts on this trial.  I am not asking for condolences, and would probably prefer not to receive many more as the greatest comfort has come through my faith in the Lord and my knowledge of his never failing love for me.

Taking the Pride out of teaching

I love to teach!  I have been teaching at an alternative elementary program for the past six years and even through there were struggles I have loved having that opportunity.  I also have been blessed to teach in church.  From Relief Society to Gospel Doctrine and Primary to my current calling in Gospel Principles I have found that teaching the gospel is one of my favorite things to do.  When I don't have a calling in a teaching capacity I feel lost and sad that I may loose my ability to teach.  However, I also fear that pride has found its way into my heart at the skill I percieve in myself. 

Saturday night I was blessed to prepare a lesson on Talents.Gospel Principles: Developing our talents  I am always amazed at how the spirit can guide my mind to aspects of a lesson I have never thought of before.  For example in the lesson the parable of talents is discussed.  As I read through this parable in Mathew 25:14-30 I found myself plugging in actual talents for each of those given the three servants.  The parable came to life as I could see my brother in law being the servant with five talents and myself as the one with two talents.  Then there was the servant given one talent.  How sad it is that one can be given so much in even one talent but if it is not used they are cast out.  And not only does the one suffer but all around them who miss out on the blessings they could have offered. 

I was also drawn to a phrase in vs. 15, "to every man according to his several ability".  How wonderful it is to know that God knows each one of us and what our abilities are!  He gives us what he knows we can handle and trusts us to do our very best.  And then in vs. 21 and 23 we see one of the greatest teachings we can learn.  To both the servant with now ten talents and to the servant with six talents he says, "Well done, thou good and ^afaithful servant; thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord."  If only we could see ourselves as the Lord does.  No comparing ourselves to others, just loving ourselves as the Lord loves us. 

This parable touched me in a way it never has before.  Yet again as I taught this lesson Sunday and felt my way being guided not by my own abilities but by that of the spirit I wondered, am I prideful in my ability to teach?  For me that is the only negative aspect of teaching.  I guess I am afraid I love it so much, and I am not afraid to share that fact that I may be percieved as prideful.  Well, I went to Relief Society and recieved a real treat!

I am pretty sure that the teacher skipped a lesson as my husband had the lesson I read in preparation for the class.  You won't find me complaining as I learned a lesson that will help me to loose those thoughts of pride that I fear.  Church Leadership and Selfless Service.  I didn't think much of it for the first five or ten minutes but then we got to the real meat of the lesson.  It discusses the mandate of the Lord to, "Feed my sheep"  As the discussion commenced I realized if this was my main focus in my teaching I just might be o.k.  The question was asked, "how do we take pride out of the service we give in the church?"  It occured to me that if we love what we do and love the people we do it for the "I" gets taken out of the equation.   I felt a bit dumbfounded as I thought back to one of my main goals in every lesson I teach, to let every person within the sound of my voice leave knowing I love and appreciate them and that more importantly Heavenly Father loves and cares for them.  I know that I will have to continue to practice the lesson I learned but I felt this burden of doubt removed from my shoulders.  To steal and tweek a quote used by our teacher I want to, "become a window not a billboard" in any service that I give in any capacity.