A Different Kind of Grief

     Before I had my miscarriage I imagined that to loose a pregnancy would mean extreme grief.  I equated the grief close to what it would be if I lost a child I knew and loved.  I have been surprised and a little worried that I have not felt that kind of grief.  In talking with a friend’s mother today she put it into words in a way I haven’t been able to.  The grief for me comes from a loss of expectations.

     Pregnancy apps are such a fun thing to have.  They tell you each week how big your child is and what organs have developed.  At fourteen weeks I was expecting a little person the size of a lemon, something to hold and say goodbye to.  I didn’t get that.  The embryo had stopped growing early on, so I didn’t get what I expected.  I felt cheated.   The three months I spent feeling sick and tired turned into a waste of time.  My valentine’s baby wasn’t coming as I had planned.

     Jeremy always gets on me for trying to plan our lives five years from now and even longer.  I just like to know where I am going.  All of our children have been planned and came when expected.  And so, if you can imagine, I have planned for this child for at least the past two years, and expected a baby in the spring.   Now, unexpectedly I have to revamp my plans of keeping my kids two years apart in school, and going back to work when they are all in school.  It may still work out but if not I am behind a year in going back to work.  That means one more year of pinching pennies to get by. 

     Such big plans to rearrange and stress over.  It’s a good thing I am a fairly easy going person and I tend to go with the flow of trials thrown in my life.  I struggle with them, but don’t let them take over.  I ponder and I pray and manage to move on.  I have worried about not grieving for the loss of this potential child for the right reasons, but who am I to judge, even if I am judging myself.  Everyone’s experience will be different.  None of us experiencing miscarriage will grieve for all the same reasons.  For me, seeing it as a loss of expectations is helping me to understand that it’s ok if life moves on, taking me along for the ride.